Relationship Quiz: Am I In An Abusive Relationship?

This quiz is courtesy of aardvarc.org.

~~~

Instructions:

Enter the number of points next to each question depending on the severity of each item:

Never: 0 points
Rarely: 1 point
Sometimes: 2 points
Frequently: 3 points

__ My partner teases me in a hurtful way in private or in public

__ My partner calls me names such as “stupid” or “bitch”

__ My partner acts jealous of my friends, family, or co-workers

__ My partner gets angry about clothes I wear or how I style my hair

__ My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to

__ My partner insists on knowing who I talk to on the phone

__ My partner blames me for their problems or bad mood

__ My partner gets angry easily, leaving me walking on eggshells

__ My partner throws or destroys things when angry

__ My partner hits walls, drives dangerously or does other things to scare me

__ My partner drinks excessively or uses drugs

__ My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do

__ My partner accuses me of being interested in someone else

__ My partner reads my mail, goes thru my personal space/items (ie. purse)

__ My partner keeps me from getting a job or finds ways to cause problems at my job

__ My partner keeps money from me, keeps me in debt, or has “money secrets”

__ My partner sold my car, made me give up my license, or won’t repair my car

__ My partner has threatened to hurt me

__ My partner has threatened to hurt my children

__ My partner has actually hurt my children

__ My partner has threatened to hurt my pets

__ My partner has actually hurt my pets

__ My partner has threatened to hurt my friends or family

__ My partner has hurt a friend or family member

__ My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave

__ My partner has struck me with hands or feet – slapped, punched, kicked

__ My partner has struck me with an object or threatened me with a weapon

__ My partner has given me visible injuries – bruises, welts, cuts

__ I have had to administer first aid to myself due to injuries from my partner

__ My injuries have been serious enough to seek treatment – doctor, hospital, clinic, paramedic

__ My partner forces me to have sex when I don’t want to

__ My partner forces me to have sex in ways that I don’t want to

__ My partner has been in trouble with the police

__ My partner acts one way in front of others, and another way when we are alone

__ My partner is secretive or lies about past relationships

__ I feel isolated and alone and have no one I can really talk to

__ I have lost friends because of my partner/partner’s actions

__ I no longer see some of my family because of my partner

__ I have thought about calling the police because of an incident of violence

__ I have actually called the police on one or more occasions

__ I am afraid to call the police because of threats from my partner

_____ TOTAL POINTS

——————————————————————————–

0-17: Generally Non-abusive
These are likely to be the sorts of strains that are not unusual in relationships. Do NOT, however, make the mistake of brushing off any incident of violence or threat of violence, no matter how isolated!

18-58: Moderately Abusive
This is a home experiencing some violence at least once in a while. It may be that this is a relationship where violence is just beginning. In a new relationship there is good reason to expect it will eventually escalate into more serious forms and may occur more frequently.

59-95: Seriously Abusive
Scores in this range indicate a seriously abusive relationship that can, under outside pressure, or with the sudden strain of a family emergency, move into the dangerously severe range. Serious injury is quite probable if it has not already occurred. Please consider getting help, even leaving.

96 and up: Dangerously Abusive

If you scored in the top range, you need to consider even more seriously the option of leaving, at least temporarily, while you consider your next move. The violence will not take care of itself or miraculously disappear. Over time the chances are very good that your life and/or the lives of your children will be in danger.

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10 Responses

  1. I took your quiz but I disagree with the results I got. I would characterize my former relationship with my ex-husband as Seriously Abusive or Dangerously abusive but my score only came out to be 34. This is because many of the things on the list he did not do–like take my car, stalk me–and though there were only two incidents where he hit me, the second time ended our marriage. He punched me 3-4 times in the forehead while I was holding my 3 year old, giving me a mild concussion and a green welt on my head the size of half a golf ball. I called the police and they took him away in handcuffs. Actual violence aside, I spent most of our 13 years together trying to cope with the fear I endured from the menacing threatening looks, infidelity, abandonment, never knowing about our finances and the wrath that occurred if I got up enough nerve to ask about money, being belittled, and being called things like the “C-word” regularly. Of course, it started out mildly and became more and more abusive as the years went on.

    But about the quiz. I wouldn’t want any woman to think that, say, in a situation like mine, her relationship was only “moderately” abusive. It was abusive to the core!

  2. I agree with your assessment. I think this list probably needs some more entries that address emotional and verbal abuse because a relationship can be extremely, and dangerously, abusive without drugs or alcohol, with little or no physical threats, and with little, rare or even no physical violence. According to this quiz my marriage would have scored a 50, but it was definitely dangerously abusive and I eventually got a divorce as a result. My marriage was just light/subtle on the physical violence. It was there, but carefully played.

    — Danni

  3. Actually, it’s a good list of things to look for, but for scoring purposes, the more serious items need to be weighted. Actually, this list serves to make me thankful that some of those other things weren’t happening to me. As bad as it was, it could have been much worse!

    I’m new to this site…I wish I had known about it sooner.

    My struggle now isn’t so much with any abuse, but the aftermath. Now that I have been single/divorced and a single parent for a while, I have faced a lot of subtle discrimination in the church and Christian school community settings.

    One of the funnier forms is watching the way people squirm and the way they try to hide their inner horror when the subject of dating (mine) comes up. But the lack of support for finding a happier/healthier relationship can be aggravating.

    Thanks!

  4. Yes, I’m in the aftermath now. I’m not dating however. One day I’m going to write about that. The Christian single-again dating scene is a whole ‘nother story that I’ve watched some of my friends struggle with. God’s going to have to hit me over the head with a 2×4 if He wants me to re-marry because I’m not interested in wading out into that particular pond! It’s full of sea monsters! LOL!

  5. I’m looking forward to participating in that discussion. I have developed quite a few opinions about the subject over the last five years. I have tried approaching people in leadership to no avail. (Not just about “dating” but other areas of needed practical support and being held to a two-person performance standard when you are doing it alone.)

    The good news is that I am getting married this fall. I don’t think that will change my desire to do something to change attitudes in the church about older singles, being single with kids and about doing more to facilitate marriage and companionship for people in this group.

  6. I got a 44on this quiz. I am seventeen years old and i love my boyfriend but he does have a temper. Most people believe that he is this crazy mad man but he isn’t. He has never laid a hand on me but he does get angry alot of who i hang out with and what i wear. He tells me to pull up my shirt, keep more shorts long to cover my butt, and don’t wear the shorts that essentiates my butt features. He has made great progress but he does get angry and punches himself in the face. He has broken his fist from punching things. It does scare me how crazy he can get. My friends don’t want me to be with him and think that i can do so much better. I am this great girl who does so good in school and is fun and i am very friendly with everyone. He has cheated on me with this dumb freshmen and hid it from me for months until he decided to tell the truth. I was suppose to leave him for that but i didn’t. For some reason i couldn’t. He wants to marry me one day and i just have to say im not sure anymore. Yes i would love to marry him if he wasn’t so controlling and angry. Hes so good with kids. Its just that he is controlling, possessive, easily jealous, insecure about himself, a dropout but trying to get his GED, and has no job. At least i have a future. I am trying to become a doctor, and im in the miss teen pageant so i can win a scholarship. I believe i am greater and there are other great guys out there but i don’t feel like starting over my love life. I want a guy who is in those fairy tales and are very kind and loving and you can spend your life with them.

    someone please help me.

  7. Your friends are steering you straight. That’s not the kind of guy who will be good in the long term. It is always worse over time, not better. Fundamentally at the root at the remarks telling you how to dress and things are control and disrespect. THAT doesn’t change and only increases; it eventually leads to more and greater violence. You don’t need that – but it really is your choice.

    It can be hard to give up the comfort of the familiar. You will have to decide how much your tomorrows matter to you today when it doesn’t seem to be that big a deal. Take your time and think about it. Don’t do anything until you know it’s what you want to do because it’s the best thing for you.

    — Danni

  8. I am 18 years old and i will not disclose my real name. I got a 52 on this quiz. I think it is somewhat accurate. My boyfriend and i have been dating for under a year and we have had plenty of fights. Some of them become physical. He questions everywhere i go, who i am with and what i am doing at all times. He answers my cellphone and seems to be controlling my life. I love him so much. I know he loves me and i think that this is why he is acting this way. Lately i have felt as if he is using “i am protecting you” as an excuse to keep me inside and with him all the time. There have even been a few times he has left bruises on me and and he has even choked me he has also threatened me with a weapon. I love this guy so much he means the world to me. I dont think he is really trying to hurt me. I just think he may need some help. What do i do???

    • Robin,

      Unfortunately, what you really need to do is get out of the relationship. This is not love – it is obsession and possession and it will only get worse. This is dangerous and it doesn’t get better. While it may be hard to leave the relationship now, it only gets harder over time. If you do try to leave the relationship you can expect him to either become more violent or pour on the charm, tears, pleas, and promises, or both at different times. He means them, in his own way, but he cannot fix it himself and he won’t be able to follow through.

      I wish there were a easier answer, but there just isn’t.

      — Danni

  9. Many people will call 911 when they witness or suspect animals are being abused or neglected. It is good to hold owners accountable if they are hurting their pets. Animals should be cared for with tender loving care. God places a much higher value on human life. We are to treat one another with kindness, understanding, gentleness, respect, love, etc. No human being should be treated in a way that dehumanizes them or causes a person to feel that they are “less than” another and be treated with cruelty. Physical, verbal, emotional, mental, financial, and spiritual ABUSE of any kind is unacceptable !!! When another person mistreates another in any way….that is ABUSE. I like to be treated with kindness, and so I try to be kind. Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you is the golden rule the LORD taught us in the Holy Scriptures. I would not like to be punched, belittled, choked, cheated on, called names, etc. For several years I did tolerate abuse because I did not see myself as worthy or valuable through God’s eyes. God sees each human being as “valuable” because HE was willing to go to the cross of Calvary nearly 2000 years ago and die for me and you. When I learned how to replace lies with God’s truth (by renewing my mind, heart and soul with God’s Holy Word – Romans 12:1-2), then and only then did I begin to see that I didn’t deserve to be mistreated. Nor did I have the right to be hurtful toward others. I use to say things to myself like, “your no good Lisa” and I would not accept compliments, etc. I didn’t believe I was worthy of being treated with kindness. I had low self worth. But GOD says otherwise. I began believing GOD’s WORD more than the lies I grew up believing as a child. My false beliefs led me into abusive relationships where I allowed men to have power and control over my life. I didn’t realize WHY I allowed it at the time, but I knew deep down inside I wasn’t suppose to be treated in abusive ways. No person deserves to be mistreated. When we allow it, then it is like drinking a little poison each time. Eventually the poison will kill a person’s spirit and will to the point they may be so beaten down and depressed that they contemplate committing suicide to escape the pain they are experiencing. Suicide is not the answer. God can and does help the wounded heart(s). He is the Great Physician that does HEAL. A broken leg does not heal over night…but in time it does when we take care to have it bandaged and put into a cast. Wounded people often ignore the pain they are in and don’t seek out treatment. If they do seek it out, they may not get the right kind of help for their particular problem. I know I sought help in church and books, etc. In time I did learn what “healthy” relationships should sound/look like. It has taken many many years. Now that I know, I want to share with others and the resources that can help build up people, and to avoid behaviours and mannerisms that tear down a person’s value and worth. I did realize 19 1/2 years ago I was a sinner in need of being saved from going to hell. I realized that I was not a “basically good human being” with a little bad about me. I understood that I needed to be saved by the one and only SAVIOUR = Jesus. I understood that I could not earn salvation by being “good/better/best. I learned that I did need to accept the free GIFT of salvation through JESUS in order to be saved from my sin(s) – past, present, and future. When I did this, I felt FORGIVEN and clean. I understood that I was saved from my shame and guilt that I had carried around for years that led to my allowing others to abuse me as well as my being abusive in my mannerisms and stinkin thinkin. God washed me clean by his precious blood that HE shed upon Calvary’s cross. I could not EARN salvation. I needed to be FORGIVEN and accept God’s FREE Gift of salvation through Jesus alone. This was when my life began to change. I had HOPE for the first time in my life. Yet, I went through alot of confusion about issues like “submission” and what true forgiveness looked and sounded like. Now I do know. There are many good articles that I have read off of this website and other links that have really opened my eyes and given healthy understanding surrounding many of those issues that I struggled with for years. Having been confused for so long made me endure abuse rather than expose it for what it really was that I was experiencing. My tolerance for abuse is ZERO now. I do address it and call it for what it is when someone tries to make me feel “less than”. I’m not less than. I’m the KING’s daughter. I reckon that makes me and every woman that knows they are saved “PRINCESSES”. A Princess is treated with dignity and respect if she in turn is kind and thoughtful of others feelings and needs. I pray that many women may know that they are loved and deserve to be treated with kindness, as well as be cherished. Men deserve to be treated with honor, respect and kindness as well. A true man is a “gentleman” like Jesus. He is willing to lay down his life for his wife or friend. Jesus laid down his life for HIS bride (true believers in Christ Jesus). Sadly, my husband expected ME to lay down my life for him. This is wrong, and I did not feel protected by him. He wanted me to protect him by enabling his behaviour and making excuses for why he behaved/behaves as he did/does. Men that do this are insecure and are little inside. Men that belittle others are little inside. True men love JESUS. They will act and talk like Jesus did/does in every way toward others. God bless.

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