Abused Men: The Silent Victims of Domestic Violence

The linked article is a good look at, and brief overview of, the particular issues facing men who are victims of domestic violence.

Abused Men: The Silent Victims of Domestic Violence

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10 Responses

  1. Danni
    while I agree that wome men are seriously abused by their wives (I personally know one male victim whose sternum and two ribs were broken by his wife), the author of that article you linked to may not have the best journalistic disciplines. She referred (and linked) to a Wikkipedia article about Humphrey Bogart’s third marriage. But she selectively quoted from Wikkipedia.
    The whole part on that Wikki article about Bogart’s third marraige reads like this:

    begin quote end quote

    • You could be right about that. I didn’t dig deeply. I was glad to see something on the subject of male victims!

      — Danni

  2. Danni here is an article from 2007 that also talks about this area and research done by the CDC and what it showed http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/42/15/31-a

  3. from Gottman “The Marriage Clinic” (link)

    One statistic which has been minimized or avoided: In 71% of all violent fights, the woman engages in the first physically violent act…

    Despite the statistic, it is only men who use violence to systematically terrorize, control, and subdue their wives. Battering is not simply the use of violence, but its use in service of control, intimidation, and domination.

    One needs to be very careful and discerning about this.

    Not every instance of a woman slapping, kicking, or biting a man is “abuse”, although the male might see it as “abuse” because he isn’t getting what he wanted. Suppose a husband is sexually coercive? She may bite and kick him. He considers himself “abused” but who was misusing POWER?

    I just wanted to say that here because I have observed some men online make much of their victimization: men whose online demeanor is clearly and consistently abusive. A woman whose husband never lays a hand on her but consistently abuses her verbally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually may lash out physically at her husband, so it appears as if he is “the victim” and she is the “violent one”.

    Regarding female on male violence, Bancroft and Gottman have done the research and found that-in heterosexual relationships- its far more often the women who are AFRAID. The men are annoyed and feel disrespected, but they are not dwelling in fear for their life.

    From Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?: inside the minds of angry and controlling men”

    QUOTE:The term abuse is about power: it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else. Wherever power imbalances exist, such as between men and women, or adults and children, or between rich and poor, some people will take advantage of those circumstances for their own purposes. (pg 123)

    AND

    Myth # 14 “There are just as many abusive women as abusive men. Abused men are invisible because they are ashamed to tell” [followed by a page of compelling evidence] (pg 45)

    AND

    “a man’s claim… that he is the victim of a violent or controlling woman”

  4. Charis the one comment that said “it is only men who use violence to systematically terrorize, control, and subdue their wives” is untrue. There are numerous cases of female on female IPV which totally shatters that statement. DV is not a gender issue, it is a human rights issue and it is wrong. No one deserves to be abused.

    One problem facing the DV field is the polarization that goes on such as that statement. We are slowly coming to realize, just as we did in the early days of DV research, that gender is not the main issue. In 2004 the US Dept of Education did a study titled “Educator Sexual Misconduct: A Synthesis of Existing Literature” and found that In studies that ask students about offenders, sex differences are less than in adult reports. The 2000 AAUW data indicate that 57.2 percent of all students report a male offender and 42.4 percent a female offender with the Cameron et al. study reporting nearly identical proportions as the 2000 AAUW data (57 percent male offenders vs. 43 percent female offenders) http://www.ed.gov/rschstat/research/pubs/misconductreview/report.pdf. That comes as a shock to many people just as the DV not being so one sided may come as a shock. If we want to make progress in stopping these things we need to see the truth.

    The comment about power imbalance and exploiting it goes perfectly with the US Education study and how it was pretty equal in how educators of both genders abused their power.

    There was also this from the Dunedin study – About 27 percent of women and 34 percent of men among the Dunedin study members reported they had been physically abused by their partner. About 37 percent of women and 22 percent of men said they had perpetrated the violence. – http://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/170018.pdf

    As for the comment about being “AFRAID” that still does not make it right for anyone to do it and really is more of an attempt to minimize the actions done. If it is wrong it is wrong regardless of whether or not the person on the receiving end is afraid.

  5. Here is a link in Google Books to Bancroft’s analysis. I suggest scrolling down to read, starting with: “There certainly are some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them…”

  6. There is no doubt that there are men and women that stretch out the defination to fit their agenda. It doesn’t take to long to figure them out it seems. The part they never grasp is the pattern of behavior. The way they describe things at times is like a younger sibling, “I’m NOT touching you….I’m NOT touching you!” as they point their finger 2 inches from your face. You swat the finger away, “MOOOOOOOOOOOM! She HIT ME!”

    lol well that is how they come across to me anyway!

    There are definately men that are victims. I have been in contact with them, and know some personally as well. They will talk about their experiences, but at times there is hesitation. We hear about abusive mothers, and at times with some of those stories? I can’t believe that toxic nature doesn’t spill over to their spouses in some ways as well!

    A gentleman I know once he left had all the ‘traits of women’ as people quote! He was afraid to make decisions on his own, and feared her reaction to things. AMONG other things of course! It took him a long time to heal, but there is hope if you see him. He is awesome example. He was the one that told me truly had a hard time finding help for ‘men’ without them coming across as some supremacy group. I almost died when he used that term ‘supremacy’. He joined an online group, and he was one of 5 men at the time. They all said they were more comfortable with us. We welcomed them with open arms.

    I need to ask him if he has found new resources for men. I mentioned to him years ago he needs to start one himself. He is a neat person, and very intelligent! I can understand why some men are silent due to stereotypes of HOW men should be. Its truly sinful.

  7. Blogger T,

    I agree with you about that “ONLY”. Hannah Thomas (above) has at least one example where a woman is clearly using “violence to … terrorize, control, and subdue” (I took out “systematically” because I’m not sure if this was “systematic” or if the woman went off the deep end.. And Lundy Bancroft discusses lesbian female on female as well as gay violence in his book (but those passages are not available in the google preview)

    As for your comment that “educators of both genders abused their power”. Indeed. That does not surprise me. In order to abuse power, one has to have power to abuse.

  8. Hi Barbara,

    I received your comment on my article and thank you for the feedback. The fact that Mr. Bogart had a bent for controversy in his life did not retract from the point of my article that men are also abused by women. Women are rarely seen as perpetrators. I do not think having a bent for controversy would make it acceptable to stab another person with a knife.

    I did not see a point in mentioning Mr. Bogart’s problems in my article. I did mention that there are mutually abusive relationships and linked to the article for others to read more. Since “as an author” your heart seems to be towards helping people who are abused, please be more gracious towards those who are working with you in the trenches to bring these issues to light.

    I was bringing awareness to an issue that many people still do not validate. Please do not throw out the baby with the bathwater or tell others that the article was written by someone who lacks journalistic discipline. What I lack in discipline, I make up for in care and concern for people such as abused men, women, children and even their abusers. I thought the spirit of love was to help another person grow, not to discard them.

    Relationships are so complex and unique. It was not the intent of my article to write about mutually abusive relationships or other strange happenings in relationships–but to bring to light the fact that men are also abused and why they are silent about their abuse compared to women.

    Respectfully,
    Carmen

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